My story starts way before I typically start to tell it; however, much of what happened prior to my starting point isn’t very interesting. Unless you like hearing about a lonely gamer turned fraternity bro turned lost soul.
There are plenty of hilarious stories from those times in my life, and plenty more beyond. I contest that I actually started to live and take life seriously in 2011. So, I tend to make that my starting point when I tell me story.
To anyone familiar with my poetry or stories that I have performed, it will be no shock that I attempted suicide in 2011. To others, well… I did. Lost and scared about my future, I tried to end my life. I took over one-hundred pain killers, which landed me straight into the hospital.
I was told my two different doctors that I was probably not going to make it and moving me to ICU would do nothing. There was a chance that I would get moved if I started to crash, but it wouldn’t help my situation. I also had no chance to get any organ transplants. I just had to lay there and wait for the anti-venom to work.
Not to sound too cliché, but laying there, I had a near death experience, NDE. I was literally not in the hospital anymore, and my life was literally flashing before my eyes. When it finished, I was given a choice. Stay wherever I was or go back.
Needless to say, I chose to go back to my body.
Starting to Think
I lived a total year lamenting that decision before I realized how stupid I was. Not for trying to kill myself, but how literally stupid I was. I lacked any ability to critically think. I couldn’t take care of myself. I didn’t even know myself.
So, I taught myself how to think. I found critical thinking lectures online and listened to the entire series. I started to read physics textbooks for fun. I wanted to learn anything and everything I could about everything.
Mostly though, I wanted to understand what I experienced during the NDE.
The Game and The Play
It took a while for me to understand the NDE. The journey to that point allowed me to understand a vast array of other things. Things like, how to understand life, how to approach life, how to learn other things.
It seems simple but it took me about two weeks of pacing back and forth to think all the way through. In that time, I also came to conclusions about what it means to be human, and the current state of humanity as being post-human on the track to being trans-human; however, those conceptions are derived from the basis of the Game and The Play.
I mostly understood the Game and The Play from Alan Watts lectures. My basic understanding, in simple terms, being that life is a game and society is a play. Take for example a sport like soccer. If you had the ball and were driving against a defender, you would need to be crafty in order to get by them. The same is with life. If you do the same things constantly, life will not let you pass. In the same way, society is a play. Learn your lines and to play your part and things progress smoothly. Say anything outside of your lines and people become uncomfortable.
The merging of the two begins to get into conceptions of duality and unity consciousness. Further discussion into the matter brings in number theory, which I will not go into for this. IT’s enough just to mention that I came to understand the Game and the play.
But just because I understood it, didn’t mean that I was good at it. In fact, I was pretty terrible at both.
Foxxy Hats LLC
Understanding the Game and The Play came down to a simple fact that life is about skills. I realized that I needed to continuously learn new things in order to be able to win at the game on occasion. This led into me wanting to teach myself how to make my own clothes. What actually happened was that I taught myself how to make hats.
Beanie hats actually. I also developed my own sort of style with them, and realized that I could make money by selling them. I developed a wide range of colors and attempted to form a business. It was my first attempt at a business and I learn a ridiculous amount.
The name sounds silly, but my last name is Fox, so it was naturally to utilize that. When another person started to work with me though, I realized that the business was no longer scalable. Most people saw the business as a joke. Either way, it allowed me to learn some hard business lessons.
Lessons that I had to put on hold during that time to pursue another endeavor.
Attempting to be a Monk
Remember when I said that I wanted to learn about my NDE? Well… I got the chance. I put everything else in my life on hold. I attempted to mimic previous Christian monks by donating most of wat I owned to charity, and then moved in with an Archbishop to study Hesychasm.
The details of my time there are unimportant and mostly for myself. I found peace there, and a want to succeed in life. It was the first time that I actually researched career paths.
The experience wasn’t everything that I had hoped it would be, so I left the Kellion. But not without a great deal of mental fortitude that I did not have prior to being there.
Try at Life Again
Leaving the Kellion presented new challenges to myself. One being, I didn’t really own much. Another being, what could I possibly do? Well… How about work 12-hour days near 7 days straight. Because that’s exactly what I did for a period of time. I wasn’t able to maintain it though and collapsed.
I reproached the question of what to do, and got myself into school. I figured that I would study technical writing, because I love writing and it paid well.
I never imagined what I would actually find though.
Finding Passion and Losing Hope
Technical writing was lame. I can do it, but its lame. Through the classes I discovered something that I actually loved. That is, design. I cared a lot more about how something looked than any other thing about it.
The school that I was at did not offer any design degree path, which created a great deal of disinterest in my studies. It just wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life. Combine that with getting ruffied at a bar and you get what the end of 2016 was for me.
I completely fell apart, and I wasn’t able to recover.
A Helping Hand
I asked family for help because I needed a change in venue. My brother was gracious enough to let me stay with him. I had hope that I could just study some design things and get a job right away, but I was wrong.
Turns out that the design field is very intricate and rather competitive. My time at my brother’s has allowed me to get my ACE in Illustrator. Life events stopped me from taking my InDesign and Photoshop test; however, I would like to get those soon.
I cannot thank my brother enough for helping out when I really needed it. Being on my computer for 12 hours a day has been challenging, but I now have the skills to be able to take care of myself.
My current activities involve looking for a job. I recently finished my first novel, and am working on a few other works. I also am trying to get back on the stage to perform poetry. I’ve taken time away to focus on developing myself further.